People Don’t Like Engineers, For Good Reason

People don’t like engineers very much, at least not in the way they like Oprah Winfrey.

Oprah does many great things: she smiles, informs, and gives away free stuff. What did any engineer ever do for mankind? They don’t usually smile, they take themselves too seriously, and from my experience, indulge prematurely in seconds of the coffee-cake someone brought into the office last Friday.

Engineers are smart, but the problem is that they know it. When you tell them something, instead of nodding their head, they’re immediately looking to debunk you or tell you how you were wrong … or how you forgot to consider your calculations. When they’re truly wrong, they’ll resort to obscure verbiage, machinery handbooks, or formulas to throw you off their bullshit trail.

Engineers are introverted. That isn’t a bad thing … actually, it is a bad thing. Nobody likes an introvert. If the world were more full of people like Richard Simmons and Kathy Griffin – it would be a better place to live.

I believe most engineers feel they do not need friends. As long as they have their graphing calculator and pocket protector, those are the only friends they need.


Heavy Metal Made Me Do Bad Things

Children are fragile and impressionable beings. It is important to take caution when it comes to what we expose them to. When I was 11, I convinced my mom to buy me my first heavy metal album; the album was Kill Em’ All, by a band named Metallica.

My favorite song on the album was Jump in the Fire. Even though I was obsessed with it … not once did I attempt to jump into a fire.

Overly protective parents everywhere are deeply concerned about how heavy metal is a bad influence on children. If there ever were events that might have tarnished heavy metal’s stellar reputation, it would be these:

In 1981, recording artist, Ozzy Osbourne, bit the head off of a pigeon at a meeting at CBS studios. He regretted the incident, but did say that the bird might have tasted better dipped in Ranch.

In 1985, two teens attempted suicide after listening to a Judas Priest album. The teens families believed the band’s lyrics pushed the boys over the edge. Some of the parents filed a wrongful death lawsuit against the band, but lost.

Ozzy is a devoted family man with his own children. Judas Priest has the word “Priest” in the title … how bad can they be? These heavy metal artists are decent people that just happen to play music that attracts deeply troubled people.

I was one of those troubled people. I am not proud to admit it, but I put our family cat in the clothes dryer once. I never heard lyrics in a song telling me to torment animals.

I also threw bottle rockets at someone’s home in the middle of the night. Even though I loved the Megadeth song Set The World Afire, I didn’t want to burn any houses down.

As a teen, I found a motorcycle and neglected to turn it into the authorities. It surely wasn’t the satanic band, Danzig, that told me to break the law.

In each of these cases, I simply needed a slap upside my head from an adult.

People should lay off of heavy-metal bands. They’re just trying to earn an honest living by singing about anger, drugs, sex, violence, and demonic entities … They’re mostly innocent.

To Poop In Privacy … Or Not?

Have you ever walked in on someone in the bathroom? Both my girlfriend and I accidentally walked in on my son … he was deeply upset. He had the door closed, but neglected to lock it.

We are not inconsiderate people. In our defense, we always keep the bathroom door closed so that Ralph, (my dog), doesn’t pee all over.

Thankfully, with each incident, my son was quick to let his presence be known. Unfortunately for him … the damage had been done.

There are moments in life when we are vulnerable; most of them involve our pants being around our ankles. If there were ever a time for privacy, it is when we’re taking a dump — even more critical — during the wipe. Think about it…there are acrobatics involved lifting one butt cheek off the seat. It isn’t a pleasant sight to witness for anyone.

I didn’t understand what the big deal was. When I was 4, I enjoyed pooping with the door open. It was a great ventilation technique

Early on, I also did this thing where I would lean back on the toilet reservoir. One day, my mom walked by while I was in mid-poop. She witnessed a vein popping out of my forehead and she made a suggestion: leaning forward might help me generate more force.  I took her advice and cut my pooping strain by 50% along with my time on the toilet. My legs stopped falling asleep and everything.

If I had the door closed, my mom never would have given me advice that would enhance my life forever. I could still be leaning back on the reservoir and wasting countless hours crapping with a veiny forehead.

So go ahead, poop away with the door open … even in a public stall. You never know who might stroll by and offer you the advice that makes you a Pooper-Star.