Twelve Phone Trolls & Two Bored Kids

I witnessed an increasingly common situation plaguing humanity today. In a park, 12 adults on their phones managed to neglect the hell out of 2 kids they were watching.

I get it … adulthood has many responsibilities: voting, work, and hiding presents from “Santa.”

Neglecting kids is one of those things that can come back to bite you. When I am older and can no longer care for myself, I don’t want a heroin-addicted CNA wiping my ass.

This group of adults also forgot a Frisbee, a baseball glove, and a football. If any one of them cared at all, they would have noticed there wasn’t a single swing at this park.

It is safe to assume that these kids will grow up to be very technically savvy, and have abandonment issues. They may torture small animals or worse, live with mom and dad until they’re 38.

Did one of the adults say, “let’s go to the park and play Words With Friends on our phones?” … Then did the others agree to this insanity?

Why were they at a park gobbling up data on their cell phone plan, when they could have been streaming data over their WIFI at home?

I have learned that the best way to give children guidance is to be the example. These folks are clueless. Children are the future … even the ones that wipe butts for a living.

Pretty soon, the National Park Service will install WIFI at Yellowstone, just to allure the phone trolls.

The Solar Eclipse And Port-A-Potty Madness

In less than 10 days, a total solar eclipse will take place. The anticipated tourism boost has some U.S. towns freaking out. The biggest issue seems to be whether or not they’ll have enough Port-A-Potties.

Astronomers forgot their pocket-protectors.

If you haven’t heard, it has been 99 years since the last total solar eclipse and 7.4 million geeky armchair astrologers are stoked.

You won’t find me anywhere near big crowds at the path of totality. I went to a Nascar race once. When it was over, I tried to stumble to my car with 300,000 other drunk people. It was hell on earth.

Each one of these people are planning to drag their family to the path of totality. Like flies flocking to a stinky fresh turd, they will witness the moon blocking the sun for 2 minutes — then clap and get in their car to go home.

With the frightful lack of Port-A-Potties at these eclipse boom-towns, scientists are predicting the worst case of country-side defecation the U.S. has seen since the Civil War.

The Worst Crop Circles EVER

I witnessed my first crop circles in a field of wheat. They weren’t quite as elaborate as what I recall seeing on TV. They were the opposite — pathetic. Whoever, or whatever, created them did a sloppy job.

I have a lot of curiosity about crop circles. They seem so elaborate and grandiose. Some folks believe no human could have created them. Reporters and other nuts theorized that aliens were responsible. Unfortunately, no aliens could be reached for comment.

Who, or what, left these huge circles in my neighborhood was anyone’s guess. Were they a hoax? Did an alien space-ship land here? Could it have been militant ANTI-GLUTEN terrorists?

I snapped a few pictures from afar, but didn’t dare set foot into the field to conduct my own version of CSI: South Beloit. It is common knowledge that there is a family of skunks in my neighborhood. For all I know, they were luring me into their trap to make me smell awful.

If this was a hoax, I think these pranksters should find a new hobby. A blindfolded pack of rhinos playing hopscotch could have coordinated better.

If an alien space ship was responsible, I think their space-boosters were a little kitty wampus.

It was probably just a few drunk teenagers that did it. At that age, I would have pulled a stunt like that.