Has Anyone Seen The Idealized Man?

I have been busy cultivating some new skills; writing, humor, and grammar.

To some people, my writing is slop. To others, it is pure genius handed down from the Gods.

One day I met Kathy, a.k.a. “The Ruthless Editor.” She and I made a deal where she would show me all of my asinine mistakes. Let me tell you — she lives up to her ruthless name.

Kathy, and others, said the best way to improve your writing is to write. So I have been practicing; my book, emails, 7-Eleven bathroom stalls. This blog, as you can tell thus far, is grammatically more better than my previous blogs.

As I mentioned, I am writing a book. I started last year. I lost momentum because, I realized, Netflix just had way too many good shows on.

Nobody Likes A Chubby Yoga Teacher

I have been entertaining the thought of becoming a Yoga teacher.

But there’s a small problem – I refuse to be a “chubby” Yoga teacher. I have some rules for myself: I have to lose my belly and be able to do the splits.

I have a recurring nightmare: I am leading a Yoga class doing a folding leaf stretch and my shirt creeps up (exposing my pasty muffin top). The old ladies snicker and point at me.

A doctor must not dry heave at the sight of blood. A pizza maker must be able to toss raw pizza dough around and not drop it on the floor. The splits are a mandatory thing for any Yoga instructor.

It’s not like I practiced gymnastics as a child and became limber. I was never on that “flexibility” wagon.

I am really close to being able to do the splits, but close enough isn’t what champions are made of. My rule is: the balls have to touch the ground.

The weight thing is important to me because there is a certain appearance one must uphold as a fitness instructor.

Richard Simmons may have a great Afro, but he never had a 6-pack. His personality and flamboyance do a great job distracting us from his frumpy belly.

Not to pick on him – his attitude is infectious. I don’t have his personality though, and I’m sure he can clobber me in a sit-up challenge.

I desire to have credibility. If you engineer a tower in Italy and it leans heavily to one side, no more architecture for you.

I can’t be the chubby Yoga teacher, it’s just irresponsible.