To Poop In Privacy … Or Not?

Have you ever walked in on someone in the bathroom? Both my girlfriend and I accidentally walked in on my son … he was deeply upset. He had the door closed, but neglected to lock it.

We are not inconsiderate people. In our defense, we always keep the bathroom door closed so that Ralph, (my dog), doesn’t pee all over.

Thankfully, with each incident, my son was quick to let his presence be known. Unfortunately for him … the damage had been done.

There are moments in life when we are vulnerable; most of them involve our pants being around our ankles. If there were ever a time for privacy, it is when we’re taking a dump — even more critical — during the wipe. Think about it…there are acrobatics involved lifting one butt cheek off the seat. It isn’t a pleasant sight to witness for anyone.

I didn’t understand what the big deal was. When I was 4, I enjoyed pooping with the door open. It was a great ventilation technique

Early on, I also did this thing where I would lean back on the toilet reservoir. One day, my mom walked by while I was in mid-poop. She witnessed a vein popping out of my forehead and she made a suggestion: leaning forward might help me generate more force.  I took her advice and cut my pooping strain by 50% along with my time on the toilet. My legs stopped falling asleep and everything.

If I had the door closed, my mom never would have given me advice that would enhance my life forever. I could still be leaning back on the reservoir and wasting countless hours crapping with a veiny forehead.

So go ahead, poop away with the door open … even in a public stall. You never know who might stroll by and offer you the advice that makes you a Pooper-Star.

The Solar Eclipse And Port-A-Potty Madness

In less than 10 days, a total solar eclipse will take place. The anticipated tourism boost has some U.S. towns freaking out. The biggest issue seems to be whether or not they’ll have enough Port-A-Potties.

Astronomers forgot their pocket-protectors.

If you haven’t heard, it has been 99 years since the last total solar eclipse and 7.4 million geeky armchair astrologers are stoked.

You won’t find me anywhere near big crowds at the path of totality. I went to a Nascar race once. When it was over, I tried to stumble to my car with 300,000 other drunk people. It was hell on earth.

Each one of these people are planning to drag their family to the path of totality. Like flies flocking to a stinky fresh turd, they will witness the moon blocking the sun for 2 minutes — then clap and get in their car to go home.

With the frightful lack of Port-A-Potties at these eclipse boom-towns, scientists are predicting the worst case of country-side defecation the U.S. has seen since the Civil War.

Always Proofread Before Clicking SEND

I am a serious guy, and I run a serious business. Coincidentally, my customers are also serious.

It all started with a friend posting a picture on Facebook of a ceramic unicorn candle holder. Seeing it reminded me of a humorous infomercial I came across featuring a unicorn and a product called the Squatty Potty.  (If you haven’t seen it, I highly recommend a quick view!)

The video features a unicorn going number two and a nobleman licking the unicorn’s rainbow-colored dooky from an ice cream cone while explaining the logistics of the device and how it makes going number two easier. Brilliant, right?

I enjoy making others laugh, so I thought, Let’s share this. I went to YouTube and copied the link to share; I just needed to toggle windows, paste into Facebook, and PRESTO!

But before I could see my endeavor through, I got distracted from my break time and went back to work.

I was trying to upload some important files for a customer and sent him a link to the file folder. No proofreading, no double check. I just clicked SEND.

My customer replied, saying that the link in the email was not to the project files he was expecting. Apparently, instead of pasting the link to my customer’s files, I accidentally pasted the Squatty Potty video link into my customer’s email.

Like Cameron desperately trying to reverse the odometer on his father’s Ferrari at the end of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, no amount of back-pedaling could undo the damage.

“It takes years to find a customer, only seconds to lose one.”

Always proofread before clicking SEND.