Twelve Phone Trolls & Two Bored Kids

I witnessed an increasingly common situation plaguing humanity today. In a park, 12 adults on their phones managed to neglect the hell out of 2 kids they were watching.

I get it … adulthood has many responsibilities: voting, work, and hiding presents from “Santa.”

Neglecting kids is one of those things that can come back to bite you. When I am older and can no longer care for myself, I don’t want a heroin-addicted CNA wiping my ass.

This group of adults also forgot a Frisbee, a baseball glove, and a football. If any one of them cared at all, they would have noticed there wasn’t a single swing at this park.

It is safe to assume that these kids will grow up to be very technically savvy, and have abandonment issues. They may torture small animals or worse, live with mom and dad until they’re 38.

Did one of the adults say, “let’s go to the park and play Words With Friends on our phones?” … Then did the others agree to this insanity?

Why were they at a park gobbling up data on their cell phone plan, when they could have been streaming data over their WIFI at home?

I have learned that the best way to give children guidance is to be the example. These folks are clueless. Children are the future … even the ones that wipe butts for a living.

Pretty soon, the National Park Service will install WIFI at Yellowstone, just to allure the phone trolls.

The Solar Eclipse And Port-A-Potty Madness

In less than 10 days, a total solar eclipse will take place. The anticipated tourism boost has some U.S. towns freaking out. The biggest issue seems to be whether or not they’ll have enough Port-A-Potties.

Astronomers forgot their pocket-protectors.

If you haven’t heard, it has been 99 years since the last total solar eclipse and 7.4 million geeky armchair astrologers are stoked.

You won’t find me anywhere near big crowds at the path of totality. I went to a Nascar race once. When it was over, I tried to stumble to my car with 300,000 other drunk people. It was hell on earth.

Each one of these people are planning to drag their family to the path of totality. Like flies flocking to a stinky fresh turd, they will witness the moon blocking the sun for 2 minutes — then clap and get in their car to go home.

With the frightful lack of Port-A-Potties at these eclipse boom-towns, scientists are predicting the worst case of country-side defecation the U.S. has seen since the Civil War.

Sasquatch Grooming Made Easy

While I am no Sasquatch, there are Sasquatch-like patches of hair on my back. Someone said my back hair was a turn-off; today I have a prospective solution for this pesky problem; the baKblade.

The baKblade

I have a bit of apprehension about using this device. Aside from looking like a ENORMOUS razor for the Jolly Green Giant, the intent of the baKblade is so that a man – or woman – can shave their own back without the help of another.

Inventors of the device had body builders in mind. Also in mind, perhaps, were those too shy to ask their partner to do the grim deed.

I enjoy a pampering shave at the Barber shop. But when I shave my own face, I get impatient. A back shave must take an hour, and how in the hell do you know if you missed a spot?

I realize too, that I can’t just shave my back and leave the rest a pubic jungle-gym. It is imperative to do a full body shave (which must take an entire morning). I don’t have that kind of free time on my hands.

Another troublesome consideration; it is a common occurrence that men nick their faces shaving. We do it even with the mirror 6 inches in front of our face — with our eyes carefully navigating the contours of our jawline. Now this baKblade company is saying we can shave our back, totally blind? Sounds very risky.

My back is on the “moley” side; the baKblade could easily slice off half my moles with the first stroke. The worst thing about being alone in your apartment and bleeding from severed moles on your back — putting Band-Aids on is a bitch.

Another factor I considered — hair or no hair — I rarely take my shirt off in the presence of another human being. Let’s just say I don’t have my Matthew McConaughey abs … yet.

We all know how itchy it is when stubble grows back. If I were to start this regimen of body shaving, there is no stopping it. I will be forced to shave my entire body twice a week until I die. It would be too torturous to wait out 4 weeks of itching until my natural Sasquatch suit grows back to normal.

It sounds like a great concept for some, but I don’t see myself ever really purchasing the baKblade product. A nick-free scrotum razor, now that’s another story.