Sasquatch Grooming Made Easy

While I am no Sasquatch, there are Sasquatch-like patches of hair on my back. Someone said my back hair was a turn-off; today I have a prospective solution for this pesky problem; the baKblade.

The baKblade

I have a bit of apprehension about using this device. Aside from looking like a ENORMOUS razor for the Jolly Green Giant, the intent of the baKblade is so that a man – or woman – can shave their own back without the help of another.

Inventors of the device had body builders in mind. Also in mind, perhaps, were those too shy to ask their partner to do the grim deed.

I enjoy a pampering shave at the Barber shop. But when I shave my own face, I get impatient. A back shave must take an hour, and how in the hell do you know if you missed a spot?

I realize too, that I can’t just shave my back and leave the rest a pubic jungle-gym. It is imperative to do a full body shave (which must take an entire morning). I don’t have that kind of free time on my hands.

Another troublesome consideration; it is a common occurrence that men nick their faces shaving. We do it even with the mirror 6 inches in front of our face — with our eyes carefully navigating the contours of our jawline. Now this baKblade company is saying we can shave our back, totally blind? Sounds very risky.

My back is on the “moley” side; the baKblade could easily slice off half my moles with the first stroke. The worst thing about being alone in your apartment and bleeding from severed moles on your back — putting Band-Aids on is a bitch.

Another factor I considered — hair or no hair — I rarely take my shirt off in the presence of another human being. Let’s just say I don’t have my Matthew McConaughey abs … yet.

We all know how itchy it is when stubble grows back. If I were to start this regimen of body shaving, there is no stopping it. I will be forced to shave my entire body twice a week until I die. It would be too torturous to wait out 4 weeks of itching until my natural Sasquatch suit grows back to normal.

It sounds like a great concept for some, but I don’t see myself ever really purchasing the baKblade product. A nick-free scrotum razor, now that’s another story.

The Adventure Of The Beast

I try to be understanding of people; we’re all on different journeys. But once in a while we just come across an absolute numbnuts. Let me tell you about a guy named Dave, whose logic puzzled me.

I commuted with Dave and some guys at the beginning of college. On Monday morning of Dave’s first week to drive, he introduced us to his car: “The Beast.” The same thought crossed all of our minds: we might die today.

The Beast was old; older than all of us. It had faded maroon paint and quite a bit of rust. Realizing we just needed to get to school, we piled into The Beast — assuming everything was in perfect operational order — and were on our way.

We were your typical teenagers, so I took a nap. At some point, my slumber was ROCKED by someone screaming: “Joe! Wake Up! Get out of the car!”

It took me a second to shake my grogginess and figure out what happened. Panic set in when I realized The Beast died on us — in a tollbooth. I hussled out of the car and helped push. Dave steered us to the shoulder.

Exhausted from our efforts and freaking out, I thought: what in the hell are we going to do now?

Keen to our distress, Dave tried to calm us down: “DON’T WORRY GUYS!”

He popped the hood, retrieved a battery and cables from the trunk, hooked them up, and jump-started The Beast. I never thought I would be so elated to hear that shitty old engine sputtering away.

We all looked at each other — like we just witnessed a miracle. Dave proceeded to put the good battery back in the trunk. We piled into the Beast and were on our way.

The burning question in my mind was … why in the hell isn’t the “good battery” installed under the hood? It may not come as a surprise, but Dave did not graduate.